HOW TO TELL WHICH PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE YOU'RE USING

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have 
stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to 
remember what language you're currently using.  This guide is offered as a 
public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++ 
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the 
foot.  Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't 
tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, 
"That's me, over there."

FORTRAN 
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then 
you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of bullets, you continue 
anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula2 
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, 
you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL 
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on 
HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE.  THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER.  CHECK whether 
shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP 
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which  you shoot 
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which  you shoot yourself in 
the appendage which holds the gun with which  you shoot yourself in the 
appendage which holds the gun with which  you shoot yourself in the appendage 
which holds ....

BASIC 
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol.  On big systems, continue until 
entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH 
Foot in yourself shoot.

APL 
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in 
fewer characters.

Pascal 
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL 
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.   If you fail, shoot yourself 
in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid 
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk 
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you.   Answer 
the result.

Motif 
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory,  the 
bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the  gun.  When 
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix 
% ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm: .o: No such file or 
directory % ls %

Paradox  
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation 
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out 
what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic 
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that 
you won't care.

Prolog 
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.  The program figures out 
how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL 
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining  how you 
want it to be shot.  Three years later, your foot comes back  deep-fried.

Ada 
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, 
pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot.  When you try, 
however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Assembly 
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent 
the gun, the bullet, and your Stuart   :-)